A Fairy Tale of Financial Proportions
(Fair warning: geekery ahead with a financial fairy tale.) So fun Darcy fact: I like stories. I have over 350 books in my apartment and I’m always adding to that number; it makes sense I’ve got a soft spot for fairy tales. There’s one in particular I want to talk about today: it’s a funky one called “Catherine and Her Destiny” that’s an awesome story for the financially-minded and independent to tell their children. This includes fur children as well; if you’ve never tried reading a story to your pet you haven’t LIVED.
This is the kind of story I enjoy because it’s one of the best fairy tales I’ve read that parallels financial management. It also passes the Bechdel test with flying colors! I encourage you all to read it in full, but if you’re too lazy I’ve got you covered below.
The Quick Darcy Version
Everyone in this story has a magical being who dictates your Lifelong Destiny. Our girl Catherine is young, hot, and living it up on her rich daddy’s dime. That is, until her own Magical Fairy Girl Destiny shows up out of the blue. She asks Catherine point-blank if she’d rather be happy while she’s young and hot or an old and Bad Granny.
It’s Catherine’s choice here that shows us she’s not just hot, but also has more than a few braincells to rub together. She figures out quick that this rando has to be some type of magical being, as no one is
- That out of touch with social niceties, to barge in like that, and
- Able to easily stroll into a rich family’s abode without setting off the security system.
Catherine also seriously considers the question, comparing how long she’d be happy as a young’un when there’s nothing to look forward to down the pike. In this sense Catherine foregoes YOLOing it and confirms she’d rather the old-age option. With that the magical lady goes “oh girl you got it” and disappears to start playing around with Catherine’s destiny.
And play around with it she does. In less than a week Catherine’s dad dies after losing everything to his name, leaving our girl with nothing to her name and no one to help her. That sucks, but Catherine was pretty enterprising and goes “nothing to it, gotta get on the 9 to 5 grind”. Which she does by going to the nearest town and finding work as a maid.
And she does again a few days after that.
And a few days after that.
The Years of Drudgery
Why does Catherine have to keep hustling? Because her POS Destiny kept showing up to her place of employment and royally f***ing everything up, laughing maniacally as she caused a ton of ruin and mayhem to blame Catherine for. Horrified, Catherine would inevitably run out into the night and start over somewhere else, not knowing her jerk Destiny put everything back into place. She just made Catherine believe everything was FUBAR. Who does that?
Destiny doesn’t do this to Catherine a few times, either. This goes on for years. My best guess: nobody invites Destiny invites to parties since she’s Like That, leaving her with plenty of time on her hands to be malicious and petty towards someone just trying to make a living.
Finally, after seven years of auditioning for Worst Disney Villain Ever, Destiny then – and I quote – “seemed to get tired of persecuting her”. God, okay. This finally means Catherine can hold down a job without Destiny reappearing to inject drama in her life.
It just so happens that her new employer was one chill lady with magical beings. She had her own Destiny lady to wrangle with and the two of them were on pretty good terms; all the employer had to do was feed her Destiny daily and they were square. (I, too, can be bribed with food so I feel this.) Catherine was relieved this is the first job that won’t end with her one step away from legal trouble or total ruin. (Even another Fate asks Catherine’s why she’s go gung-ho on ruining Catherine’s life, proving Catherine’s Fate was extreme even by other Fate standards.)
To make a long story short, this job leads to mentorship, opportunity, and negotiation that leads Catherine into becoming a queen for the rest of her days.
Yep, just like that.
Fast Track to a Happy Ending
Of course there’s more that goes into Catherine going from a persecuted peasant to a powerful QUEEN. And those mores are exactly the types of things that bring you wealth and happiness in your old age, too.
Without regurgitating the whole story, Catherine’s step-by-step process to royalty went like this:
- Fostering a mentor/mentee relationship with her employer, who had skills Catherine needed in her goal of Not Getting Screwed By Destiny Anymore.
- Her employer’s network just so happened to include another Destiny figure, who got Catherine’s Destiny to lay off on the toxic funzies.
- As compensation for years of grief, Catherine’s Destiny gives up a little ball of thread. Catherine is bummed about the low payout, but not for long, because:
- Turns out that ball of thread was worth A LOT OF MONEY when the King needed exactly that to keep up with the fashion trends. Nobody else had needed sewing compensation from their Destinies, so Catherine was the only gal around with that to offer up.
- Surprise! Turns out that ball of thread was a magic ball of thread, and with a superiority complex to boot. This is why, when they agreed Catherine would sell for its weight in gold, the thread kept being heavier than all of the gold pieces the King heaped on the other side of the scales.
- Finally the King puts his crown on the scales, making it balance perfectly. A “wise woman” at court immediately declared that meant Catherine was to be a queen. Which she became in short order by marrying the very King going through all this trouble in the name of FASHION.
But the moral of this story isn’t that “Destiny sucks” or “marry someone who reads Vogue obsessively”. It’s all an ALLEGORY amounting to much more, making this a fairy tale fit for the financial minds of tomorrow.
The Secretly Financial Fairy Tale
This is just the kind of story the financially-responsible folks of yesteryear would share instead of Rapunzel’s prince going blind or Snow White’s child abuse. It’s got everything: tragedy, employment woes, female solidarity, the list goes on. Time to dust off my AP English analysis skills, because there’s more to this than meets the eye.
Destiny’s Evil Ways is, Really, Your Own Anxieties
Catherine’s Destiny refused to let her catch a break for years after her only family died. Catherine was forced to bounce from place to place, constantly fearing none of her employers would understand the chaos Destiny left behind had nothing to do with her, her worth ethic, or her trustworthiness. Worst of all, none of Destiny’s sabotage was actually real. Once Catherine wasn’t around to panic over the mess, Destiny nonchalantly made everything whole again before wandering off to kick puppies or something.
If you’re Catherine, then Destiny is your craptastic insecurities and anxieties disrupting your everyday thoughts. You might not be packing up for the next city like Catherine was, but the horror elements are the same. Your anxieties pop up in the back of your mind to torment you with things that just aren’t true.
“You’ll never find a good job.”
“What decent place would want to hire you when you don’t work flawlessly? Other people work flawlessly.”
“Can’t get your financial shit together, huh?”
“Why bother trying to budget and invest? You’re just not cut out for that kind of thing.”
Destiny’s destruction was nothing more than an illusion to scare Catherine and keep her miserable. Same goes for that insidious little voice in your head. It’s not the truth, never has been. It’s hard to argue against it, but know that it’s all a lie and you’re actually doing better than that.
Catherine’s Employer is the Mentor We All Want
I love to see women supporting women. Once Boss Lady saw that Catherine was a hard-working sweetheart, she took her under her wing and started to help her improve her life. This involved connecting her with the right people (in this case, Boss Lady’s Destiny) and helping her move past the demons of her past (namely, by shaming Destiny into doing something halfway decent). Boss Lady encourages Catherine at every turn, including urging her to hang onto that ball of thread and suggesting she bring it to court for a nice little payout. Who else is better to guide you to the lap of luxury than someone like Boss Lady? Knowing her and her cordial relationships with the supernatural, I’m willing to bet she’d have gotten Catherine to some other happy life if the whole castle lifestyle didn’t pan out.
Finding mentors and other beneficial connections are a huge part in finding high-pay jobs and bettering your career. You might have to churn through several employers until you find them, but once you do? Things only get better.
That Ball of Thread is an Investment Portfolio
That freaking ball of thread seemed absolutely useless, and Catherine wondered why she should keep something so stupid. But keep it she did, and it became her ticket to that financially independent good life… or as close to financial independence as you can get in a medieval monarchy. Your growing investments might similarly seem “useless” to you now because you can’t actually take money out of it for some time to come. But remember: that portfolio is your own shitty ball of thread. It’s your ticket to living like royalty, as long as you let it work its magic. And don’t be discouraged you have to work for years before reaping the rewards; your time will come.
Oh, yeah. Financial fairy tale for the win.
None of Us Get There Alone
After the better part of a decade of torment, Catherine finds a good job she can hold down for as long as she wants. You can compare that to finding a job you don’t mind keeping for many, many years. No more toxic work places for you! Your searching paid off by connecting you with someone like Boss Lady, who actually cares about things like your workload and mental health. That leads to mutually beneficial relationships all around, eventually boosting Catherine to that happiness she’d wanted.
Boss Lady, Boss Lady’s Destiny, and a wise woman in the King’s court all helped Catherine reach her happily-ever-after. Honesty went a long way in each of their aid, as they couldn’t help until they knew the truth of the matter. Each of them did something great for Catherine out of kindness, decency, and actually caring about helping someone else. Figure out who these people are in your own life. If you don’t have them, find them.
How Deeply Luck Gets Involved
If the ball of thread is your investment portfolio, its magical properties are the compounding interest it keeps on earning. I’m equating compound interest with magic here because both are commonly viewed as mysterious mystical forced beyond our understanding. Luck is pretty similar to that too.
Admittedly Catherine started out with terrible luck, being paired up with a Destiny being that would make Maleficent blush. But would Catherine have become a Queen if she never went through all those trials and tribulations? How else would she have met Boss Lady and eventually wound up in the King’s court?
You could end up asking me questions that have the same type of spirit as this financial fairy tale. Will I actually become a millionaire in less than ten years? How can I be so sure I will? If I didn’t go through my Year of Fear, would I have been motivated enough to take control of my money?
Thing is, luck very obviously plays a role in all our lives. I’d have never started We Want Guac if I was born to a couple of billionaires, because I’d never have to fret over my finances my entire life. And while both Catherine and I may have started off stressed and panicky, we had enough luck to reach sunnier days. It would be dishonest of me to not acknowledge a lot of coincidence and luck fell in my favor, even if I managed to contribute to some of that luck. The unfair imbalances in our world aren’t going to go away anytime soon; they need to be acknowledged and dealt with if you want a prayer of getting ahead.
With that said, at the end of the day there’s always going to be a risk to reaching for wealth and financial independence. Those risks are going to be there whether you’ve got a ton of money or not. No matter where my luck goes in the future, I’d rather have something there to act as a cushion.
The Past is the Past
The perfect question for optimizing your finances has to involve knowing your goals and dreams. That’s why the question “Would you rather be happy now, or later?” nails this concept on the head and makes it a financial fairy tale from the get go. Do your pains and sacrifices today mean better things tomorrow? Are you climbing that mountaintop and reaching higher levels than you would have otherwise?
Build up for the financial fairy tale future that you want. That’s the way to reach the heights you want to reach, especially on your path to wealth. And if you ever need to vent about your early frustrations, take a page out of Catherine’s book. She went through hell and came out on top. And if she ever sheds a tear about her past as a sad youth, she can always wipe it away with fat stacks of cash. Or whatever the medieval equivalent was.
Cover image credit: Sydney Brouwer via Unsplash
Don’t sell yourself short, if you had been born to billionaires you’d still be the cool person you are. You might not be blogging but you’d be doing something useful and creative. I’ve worked with several billionaires’ kids and for the most part they were hard working and generous people with great integrity. It would be your kids you’d have to worry about, that third generation thing, in my experience its a real problem.
It depends on what kind of billionaires you were born to! If they believe that you should earn everything in life instead of it being handed to you, then maybe you might have started wewantguac, who knows.
You’re making me want to dust off the AP English exam prep book…